So, I wrote another article for The Second City Network. Hooray! This one was about guns, because guns are America's Favorite Thing. You get a gun! You get gun! Everybody gets a gun!
My gun article made it all the way to the Huffington Post! Hooray!
People didn't like it. Well, an angry minority of angry white majority men didn't like it. And they called me names. Really mean names that made me cry like a baby. And by cry like a baby I mean shrug and think "Well they clearly hate themselves."
JK! Just a joke, I'm a comedian, I do jokes. Calm down! I'm sure they are lovely and kind in all other facets of their lives at all times.
But for now, just check out this anger!
First of all, marry me? Second of all, thank you SOOO MAAHTCH for calling my hands petite. As a 6' 3" dude who weighs 225 pounds and squats 720 pounds on the front squat machine, I don't often get credit for my delicate, trembling lady hands.
But really, I get it. I made fun of gun owners. Not really, just a very narrow segment of gun owners who aren't honest with themselves for why they carry, but whatever. It was a fluffy-dumb article calling out bad behavior and I honestly don't have any problem with reasonable people owning a reasonable firearm for reasonable reasons, and fine, call me names, I get it. I get it! Guns are completely entwined with your manhood. And the worst thing you can do is laugh at someone's manhood. Macho men have feelings too, etc.
At first, I was a little off put by the vitriol. But then again, what did I expect? Flowers and a park in my hometown named after me? It was my first substantial taste of Internet troll hatedom. I'm not really trying to piss people off or force them to Transparently Attempt To Retain Their Alpha Status by aptly recognizing my unfunnyness, my tininess, my douch-baggery or my blatant faggotry. But, I did. Even my family, who always supports me, was a little "Really, John?" about the whole thing. They liked me more when I made fun of Obama. Oh yeah, Angry White Men, remember when I made fun of Obama? Street cred! Or, rather, Angry Suburban Enclave Cred!
Anyway, what have we learned today, kids?
Yes, I'm unfunny. Good. Anything else?
A faggot! Yes, I am most definitely a faggot. What else?
Guns are penises. Yes! And no one wants to be told they can't masturbate. Exactly.
Good work, class. Your assignment is to cry for America. Have a great summer!